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T H R E E

lets do a serious talk right now. as you all may know, or you might not know, whatever: i'm on a mental health recovering process. i'm still looking for a therapist right now because my old therapist just decided that he didnt want to deal with my problems anymore. the point is, i have mental issues. i suffer for severe depression, general anxiety disorder and this one serious mental issue but i cant really say here because 1. i dont like it when people feel sorry for me, 2. i'm not ready to tell you about it just yet, 3. i dont want to talk about it or else i'd sob and shake uncontrollably. anyways, getting back to the topic, i'm going to talk about anxiety first (and i'm gonna talk about depression later on another post) because i find some people walk in the same shoes as i do. basically anxiety in my opinion is the feel of unease, like you're worrying about something. well, not gonna lie, every single one of us should have a normal level of anxi
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T W O

I cant sleep and it has been 2 days. I guess nightmare's the main reason I don't sleep. But I cant say that too, because my nightmare exist in both dreams and realities. I'm scared to close my eyes because whenever I close them, all I can see is darkness. Never ending darkness. And as soon as it drift me to sleep, I'd dream about monster. Not just monster, but sometimes people. People who kill people, either with words or with guns and knives. Not just other people but my own family. I saw my mom, and dad, and little sister, someone murdered them and I was crying. I witnessed it all. But when I looked down, I was the one with the knife. Some other times I'd dream about the monster. They would chased me down on an endless hallway, and all I can think was that what did I do? I screamed at the top of my lungs but I cant save myself; nobody cared enough to save me. Everyone was staring at me, watching me being chased and they saw me, but all they did was laugh their a
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O N E

It's hard to ignore things you hear everyday, it is harder to ignore negative comments and words especially when it comes out from people we're close to. I dont understand how people always make jokes/ make a serious talk which sometimes pertain the other ones. Example: 'You should go inside through the window. If you force yourself to come in from the door, it might not fit your big ass body' 'Why are you so fat again?' 'Omg what is that on your face? Whoops sorry it's just your ugly nose.' I hate this feeling, I suck at everything especially at life, because I dont know how to stop myself from putting everyone else's feelings before me, yet I hate being sad. But I also couldnt be selfish because it will make other people sad and I'd feel guilty as fuck. Let's be honest here, and I didnt say this for attention and shit because I dont need one. I haven't had eat any proper breakfast and dinner for 5 days because I know my f
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INTRODUCTION

Hey! So I'm gonna start now by saying hello and welcome to my first post here. In case y'all are wondering, my name is Bernadette Alvina and please call me whatever nicknames you're comfortable with. I'm 19 years old and I live in Jakarta, Indonesia. My favorite foods are ice cream, bread, and so many snacks but in all goods, it's mostly chocolate. I love to sing, play guitar, read, and write. Yes, I do sing sometimes and I play guitar everyday. Here's the link to my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz6cxVvxdfMU5cnupxJ06og I do have instagram: instagram.com/alpinut & instagram.com/ohblackdevil I write stories as well: wattpad.com/dustyclifford I read a lot of books both in English and Bahasa Indonesia. Reading is my most favorite thing to do because well, I'm a nerd. So anyways, a few days back I wrote a longass rant and I was basically feeling a bit pissed off, and by a bit I mean A LOT, and I was just like fueling off and fee
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