O N E
It's hard to ignore things you hear everyday, it is harder to ignore negative comments and words especially when it comes out from people we're close to.
I dont understand how people always make jokes/ make a serious talk which sometimes pertain the other ones. Example:
Let's be honest here, and I didnt say this for attention and shit because I dont need one. I haven't had eat any proper breakfast and dinner for 5 days because I know my family would call me fat and ugly. I know I told everyone I've ever met, that if anyone tell them they're fat and ugly, just get over it and be grateful, ignore those mean comments.
But you know what? Deep inside I know how it feels; I couldn't just ignore that because sadly, I know how it feels to walk in their shoes.
These past few days, I feel so anxious and worried sick about what if I ate too much food, what if I got fatter (is that even a word) and uglier? Whenever I turned my gaze, people are staring and they would say the exact same words: 'You're so fat' and even my family would say that too.
I got to admit, that makes me feel so anxious, worried, and every time I feel hungry I'd just tell myself, no, you cant eat. No, you could've get fatter just by eating, and that's basically why I ate once a day for these past 5 days.
I dont want this to become some sort of mental illness and shit, but I'm afraid that eventually this will turn me into something I dont want to. I'm scared as hell when it comes to me feeling hungry and eating some food, but if I dont eat I know I'd be limp for the rest of the day. If I think I eat too much, I feel like I'm gonna puke or something. I dont like being called fat or ugly. Even though when you call me that, I'd probably still smile and laugh and would just pretend that it's funny, IT'S NOT FUNNY. It makes my anxiety grows big and fuck, I hate myself even more. Like, you dont need to tell me I'm fat to make me feel bad, I already feel bad about myself.
I care about everyone, family, friends, even sometimes people I just met in the street or people who sit next to me in a bus. I really care. But sometimes words that came out from their mouth feels like a thousand knives stabbing me back and forth and back and forth... Sue me for being stupid, sue me for listening to them. But it's hard to avoid negative thoughts when everything they told you is negative and painful words.
A few days ago when I was waiting for class with my friends, they told me to eat because 1: It's already 11 AM, and 2: they know how I always eat on break. And I was like 'nah I'd eat later' and I s2g I almost eat but as I said, I get really anxious and worried.
Many people asked me about what's going on, but I'm scared and embarrassed of what I feel now. I always answer 'why dont you eat' question with the same exact words: 'I'm on a diet.'
Yes, I lied and yes, I put my life out in the internet because I want people to realize: you never really know about what's going on in people's life, and words DOES change people. The way the act, the way they see things. I'm just gonna say this since everyone is aware of my condition right now: I have tried to kill myself. To self-harm. And that's because I couldn't stand any of these voices inside my head, insulting me over and over and over and telling me that I'm not enough.
It sucks knowing how people are so good at pretending into something they're not. Pretending like they care when they actually dont. Everybody starts to 'act' like they're all concern and are when shit has already been done and can't be cured. And what sucks even more is the fact that I cant do anything about it. Some of them might seem like they 'care' about this long ass paragraph about my situation rn. But I dont think people really care, so idk... Just be nice, it's free, it would NEVER cost you anything, you just need to smile and spread positivity, because sometimes 'sorry' is not enough. It will still hurts.
It's okay, you dont have to feel sorry because it happens to me everyday and there is nothing you can do to make me feel happier, and I have learned to accept it.
But please, dont do this to someone else. Do not insult them, do not say anything stupid. I couldn't stand thinking about people other than me would feel this hell I'm going through.
I dont understand how people always make jokes/ make a serious talk which sometimes pertain the other ones. Example:
- 'You should go inside through the window. If you force yourself to come in from the door, it might not fit your big ass body'
- 'Why are you so fat again?'
- 'Omg what is that on your face? Whoops sorry it's just your ugly nose.'
Let's be honest here, and I didnt say this for attention and shit because I dont need one. I haven't had eat any proper breakfast and dinner for 5 days because I know my family would call me fat and ugly. I know I told everyone I've ever met, that if anyone tell them they're fat and ugly, just get over it and be grateful, ignore those mean comments.
But you know what? Deep inside I know how it feels; I couldn't just ignore that because sadly, I know how it feels to walk in their shoes.
These past few days, I feel so anxious and worried sick about what if I ate too much food, what if I got fatter (is that even a word) and uglier? Whenever I turned my gaze, people are staring and they would say the exact same words: 'You're so fat' and even my family would say that too.
I got to admit, that makes me feel so anxious, worried, and every time I feel hungry I'd just tell myself, no, you cant eat. No, you could've get fatter just by eating, and that's basically why I ate once a day for these past 5 days.
I dont want this to become some sort of mental illness and shit, but I'm afraid that eventually this will turn me into something I dont want to. I'm scared as hell when it comes to me feeling hungry and eating some food, but if I dont eat I know I'd be limp for the rest of the day. If I think I eat too much, I feel like I'm gonna puke or something. I dont like being called fat or ugly. Even though when you call me that, I'd probably still smile and laugh and would just pretend that it's funny, IT'S NOT FUNNY. It makes my anxiety grows big and fuck, I hate myself even more. Like, you dont need to tell me I'm fat to make me feel bad, I already feel bad about myself.
I care about everyone, family, friends, even sometimes people I just met in the street or people who sit next to me in a bus. I really care. But sometimes words that came out from their mouth feels like a thousand knives stabbing me back and forth and back and forth... Sue me for being stupid, sue me for listening to them. But it's hard to avoid negative thoughts when everything they told you is negative and painful words.
A few days ago when I was waiting for class with my friends, they told me to eat because 1: It's already 11 AM, and 2: they know how I always eat on break. And I was like 'nah I'd eat later' and I s2g I almost eat but as I said, I get really anxious and worried.
Many people asked me about what's going on, but I'm scared and embarrassed of what I feel now. I always answer 'why dont you eat' question with the same exact words: 'I'm on a diet.'
Yes, I lied and yes, I put my life out in the internet because I want people to realize: you never really know about what's going on in people's life, and words DOES change people. The way the act, the way they see things. I'm just gonna say this since everyone is aware of my condition right now: I have tried to kill myself. To self-harm. And that's because I couldn't stand any of these voices inside my head, insulting me over and over and over and telling me that I'm not enough.
It sucks knowing how people are so good at pretending into something they're not. Pretending like they care when they actually dont. Everybody starts to 'act' like they're all concern and are when shit has already been done and can't be cured. And what sucks even more is the fact that I cant do anything about it. Some of them might seem like they 'care' about this long ass paragraph about my situation rn. But I dont think people really care, so idk... Just be nice, it's free, it would NEVER cost you anything, you just need to smile and spread positivity, because sometimes 'sorry' is not enough. It will still hurts.
It's okay, you dont have to feel sorry because it happens to me everyday and there is nothing you can do to make me feel happier, and I have learned to accept it.
But please, dont do this to someone else. Do not insult them, do not say anything stupid. I couldn't stand thinking about people other than me would feel this hell I'm going through.
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