T W O

I cant sleep and it has been 2 days. I guess nightmare's the main reason I don't sleep. But I cant say that too, because my nightmare exist in both dreams and realities.

I'm scared to close my eyes because whenever I close them, all I can see is darkness. Never ending darkness. And as soon as it drift me to sleep, I'd dream about monster. Not just monster, but sometimes people. People who kill people, either with words or with guns and knives. Not just other people but my own family. I saw my mom, and dad, and little sister, someone murdered them and I was crying. I witnessed it all. But when I looked down, I was the one with the knife.

Some other times I'd dream about the monster. They would chased me down on an endless hallway, and all I can think was that what did I do? I screamed at the top of my lungs but I cant save myself; nobody cared enough to save me. Everyone was staring at me, watching me being chased and they saw me, but all they did was laugh their asses off.

Other times, I'd dream on having a real good day with my best friends, but at the end of the day, I fucked up and they leave. That's my biggest fear. I don't know how or why I fucked up, but I did and they left me. I cant really put the difference between the dream itself with reality. Because it seems so real and I always woke up anxious and crying in the middle of the night, and I'm getting tired with it. Really.

And on the other side of my life, well, reality, I don't sleep to avoid those scary nightmares. I don't, sometimes. But some other times I'd sleep, yet I'll wake up in the middle of the night, catching my breath and feeling my head and neck so heavy and I'm not even kidding, sometimes when I had bad dreams, I'd wake up with bruises and scars all over my body.

I asked my 'relatives' who knows and understand this kind of 'thing' and they told me to be careful. They said it's something about the dreams and reality blending into one and I don't really get the point but it's so fucking scary for me. I would definitely know if my body have bruises or scars because I'm clumsy. But the thing is, the bruises would appear in places where it's IMPOSSIBLE to get bruised. Y'know what I'm saying?

Some nights it's easier to sleep, but some other nights don't. I'm getting tired of myself, and I can barely open my eyes anymore since I haven't sleep properly. I forgot how it feels to have a nice, comfortable sleep.

Sorry if I'm rambling and shit, it's like 2:32 AM and I cant really sleep soooo I'm sorry I have nothing to do lol good night 👀💕